- Hello. I’d like to introduce myself as Robert Penny**, aged 61, white, male. I live in a care home in England. All other residents are over 75, but I get on well with them. I enjoy interacting with my carers, and there is much banter (when I came to the care home in April 2018, I made it clear that I welcomed banter). Even though it can be hard at times, even grim, there is also fun & laughter in the home, perhaps confounding my expectations. However, I don’t want to give the wrong impression; the staff are very caring, extremely hard-working & highly professional.
- So, how did I end up in a care home at my relatively young age? In November 2017, I was looking to the future, having retired a month earlier. I had worked - in both private & public sectors - for almost 40 years (I left the private sector to work in the caring public sector …). I was keen to relax & make a fresh start.
- I can play guitar (averagely), but always wanted to play keyboard. I also wanted to speak a new foreign language e.g. Italian, Polish. I did acquire a few Polish words from a carer who left Poland for the UK; these were, arm, leg, left, right. This enabled me to form the following word combinations; left arm, right arm, left leg, right leg, and octopus (don’t ask).
- I also wanted a dog to walk. I like animals – here’s a photo of me with a cat on my lap, if you don’t believe me. I had a ginger & white tom cat (Reg) who was my pride & joy. More later.
- I’ve had mental health problems (a.k.a. mental illness – but MHPs sounds more P.C.) all my life, even in childhood (although I didn’t realise it at the time). The problems were anxiety & depression, both caused largely by the Obsessive Thought Patterns (good name for a band). More later.
- In contrast, my physical health has been good. However, in November 2017, I was suffering from back & leg problems. After walking 10 yards, I had to stop because I was in agony. The pain only lessened if I bent forwards & rested for a minute. I also couldn’t sleep. I normally slept on my side, but this was now too uncomfortable. Only one position let me remain pain-free, & relax sufficiently to fall asleep – lying on my back with knees bent & soles of my feet flat on the bed.
- I’d not yet been formal diagnosed. I saw an osteopath, then a physiotherapist. Both tried, unsuccessfully, to diagnose & treat me & reduce my pain. Eventually, both recommended an MRI scan. However, people find the procedure claustrophobic. I wasn’t claustrophobic, but I simply couldn’t lie still in the MRI scanner for 60 seconds, let alone the 30 minutes needed for a full scan. The pain was unbearable. I tried, unsuccessfully, on 5 occasions to have the MRI scan. By now, I felt deep despair, was in great pain, & couldn’t see a way forward.
- Then, without warning, MRI scans became irrelevant. One day my back gave way. I’d been struggling to stand on my right leg anyway, but now both legs gave way & I collapsed. I was at the top of the stairs, sitting on my posterior. I tried to stand, but couldn’t. I should have had the sense to use my i-phone to call for help. Instead, I decided I wanted to watch football on the TV & make a sandwich. I descended the stairs on my bottom. It took a long time but I did it. Somehow, I managed to sit on a chair & watched the TV & considered my next move.
- Even though I was still in pain, & needed help, my stomach told me it wanted food. So, I edged towards the kitchen, crab-like, sitting on the chair & sliding across the floor. Progress was slow. Reluctantly, I abandoned the idea of food. In truth, I needed water, as I was dehydrated. I decided to do the reverse journey.
- Going up the stairs backwards was much harder than going down sitting forwards. Eventually, I got back to my bedroom. A few months earlier I’d have worried I might have sat on Reg, asleep on one of the steps. I’d have been inconsolable if I had caused him injury. I like animals – here’s a photo of me with a goat on my lap, if you don’t believe me.
- However, I didn’t need to worry about Reg as ‘fortunately’ he had passed away a few months earlier.
- My memory of what happened next is hazy. I remember talking to my friend & neighbour, explaining what had happened. She rang emergency services & paramedics arrived. I was taken to hospital by ambulance & admitted, via A&E, to the spinal unit. After a series of checks (I may even have finally been given the elusive MRI scan), I was told by a consultant that I had got metastatic prostate cancer. I had had a Prostate Specific Antigen (PSA) test. PSA is a protein produced by The Prostatic Epithelium (another good name for a band). I didn’t know I had a Prostatic Epithelium and was quite happy to remain in blissful ignorance of such a fact. I was supposed to have a PSA level of between 1-4 ng/ml (‘ng’ is a really good 2-letter word to use in scrabble). My PSA level was 4000! (even 3999 would have been better).
- The cancer cells had spread to my spine and done irreparable damage. For the rest of my life, I would be paralysed from the top of my rib cage all the way down to the soles of my feet. Fortunately, I have apparently retained my dry sense of humour. I can still make people laugh; sometimes due to a deliberate witticism, other times to my inadvertent acts of sheer stupidity, which fortunately have their funny side.
- I spent several months in hospital - more later - but eventually, I had to consider my options. Ideally, I wanted to live independently, but this was not possible – at least not in the near future. So, after doing The Cost Benefit Analysis (not a good name for a band), I decided to check out the local care home …..
* With
acknowledgement to Melanie Reid and her book The World I Fell Out Of’ which helped inspire me to start writing this blog.
** I’m writing under a nom de plume; Robert is my middle name, Penny is the first name of my sister who died in infancy.
** I’m writing under a nom de plume; Robert is my middle name, Penny is the first name of my sister who died in infancy.
Welcome to the world of blogging, Robert.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for Chapter 2....
ReplyDeleteLook forward to the next installment!
ReplyDeleteThis is very well written, from the heart, and I also look forward to the next installment. Your positive outlook on life in the face of adversity is inspiring and I'm fortunate to have you as a friend. Stay safe and chat soon.
ReplyDeleteExcellent read Robert! I shall be an avid follower!
ReplyDeleteVery well written, I look forward to the next one. Your positivity is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteSuch a wonderful read! I can’t wait for part 2!
ReplyDeleteHi Russell interesting read..
ReplyDelete